Getting My Zen On

For the past three Saturdays I have been going to an Ilyengar based yoga class. I've always been interested in doing some more yoga, but, time and money never seemed to line up. Now that I've made more time in my schedule to be a happier, less overworked human being I figured better late than never. To say this class has been doing great things for me is an understatement! My head feels clearer and my body feel better; it's as if I'm undoing the tension caused by life and the physical impact of dance and work.

Of course, Irish dance is my 'addiction' and thus I've been practicing more, taking private lessons, and gearing up for a feis September 17th in Oklahoma City. There will also be a couple of performance opportunities in the next two months which I'm going to do as well. I'm excited about the competition and performing, which is kinda new- typically I'm a nervous wreck with excited mixed in there! That began to change a couple of weeks ago, I was watching an interview with Jeff Bridges. He said something that struck me, "Have fun, but, don't take it too seriously."* Of course! I tend to take everything too seriously, and sometimes I miss out on enjoying activities because I so desperately want what I do to be perfect. This is silly of course, no one is perfect, yet I stressed myself out about every little move I did wrong in dance, and subsequently in life. I won't go into everything I view as incorrect, but, I have realized that I need to keep life and activities in perspective, because if I'm not enjoying dance, work, training Leo, etc., I truly am missing the point.

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It seems that getting in shape, mentally and physically, and enjoying it really has a multitude of benefits. Which I know you're thinking, duhhh!! Even I knew this, I'm really beginning to experience these much talked about benefits for the first time. I think life offers many challenges, some wonderful, some not so. But, if you work to keep happy, live life, enjoy what it has to offer and put things in balance it seems, at least to me, that even the not so fun challenges are much easier to face.

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How do you keep your life in balance?

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*Jon has dubbed this statement as the Tao of The Dude. I feel like I should ring a bell every time I say it now. ;-)

Stylin'

The awesome TracePoo at A Maui Mommy awarded me with the Stylish Blogger Award!! I'm afraid I don't have a good acceptance speech prepared so let's go straight to the rules. I am to share five 'secret' things about me and/or this blog then pass along this award to five bloggers.

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1. This probably isn't 'secret' persay, but, I don't know exactly what I want be. I have things I want to do, and a basic mantra of give to others what I can, but, that's about it. I think it's because I've wanted to be so many things I am just not deadset on being in a particular career field. Or I simply can't make up my mind. Or.. both. lol

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2. I loathe, LOATHE folding laundry. Washing laundry, putting it way, heck even ironing doesn't bug me. Folding it and hanging it on the other hand- blech.

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3. I want to do something different with this blog, but, I'm stuck on how to do it. I love the template I have, but, I would like to have links to an about me section, that sort of thing. For the life of me I can't figure out how to move forward with this without completely destroying the nice template I have now.

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4. I used to have a bit of a speech 'issue'. There were just certain words I couldn't pronounce when I was little. Soldier was one of them. In fact, an elementary school friend sat me down one recess and had me practice saying soldier, and shoulder. I finally grew out of that. It was as if my brain and mouth just needed to line up on a few words.

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5. The first language I ever learned wasn't French nor Japanese, but, Spanish. I went to an after school program once a week when I was seven to learn basic Spanish words. What turned me off from continuing to learn espangnol was my, still to this day, tone deaf brother singing "Des Colores" around the house ad naseum for a class project. The Spanish words were so mutilated by his singing I thought the Spanish language sounded too harsh and abrasive. So, when I was in Jr. High I decided I would learn French instead. The rest is history. (Though I want to learn more Spanish now, especially since I am at a school with a high hispanic population)

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I pass this award to...

1. Annelise @ a box of crayons

2. Sarah @ Our Sunnyview...

3. Sara Louise @ Sara in Le Petit Village

4. Clouds @ Pink Clouds and Polar Bears

5. Jana Faith @ Everyday is Your Runway

Happy Happy Joy Joy!

As May and I didn't have the best relationship, I'm bound and determined to get June off to a good start. I knew holding off this post was the right thing to do as it's about a happy award. What better way to start of June on a 'Happy' note. Okay yeah that was lame. Anywho, I got another award! First I recieved one from the fabulous Sara Louise, now this one, my word I am feeling the love!! The Happiness 101 Award has been given to me by the lovely Annelise of box of crayons. The deal is to list ten things that make you happy. Of course, then in true blog award fashion, you must pass along the luv. Without further adieu (ie babbling) here are 10 things that make little ol' moi happy:
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1. The dogs- in particular those two faces snuggled up next to me in the morning. It is just incredibly cute and makes me feel loved. Though if Leo decides to lay on top of me, which he tends to do, it's not quite the wake-up call I prefer.
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2. My piano students after they've pushed through a roadblock. There is nothing like the satisfaction of seeing hardwork and determination pay off especially after a rough patch. Learning music (or most things for that matter) is a process filled with many highs and some deep lows. Watching my 'kiddos' work through those lows and come out smarter and happy with their efforts is just amazing.
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3. Sitting out on the porch swing, or any covered porch for that matter, during a storm or a mild summer's night. I love watching the world go by.
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4. Spending time with friends. Whether it's a big or small gathering I am all about the good times with my peeps.
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5. Without sounding too OCD here, getting organized and things done. Sometimes I procrastinate way, way too much. I guess that's why when I get my proverbial s*** together I really feel a lot better. More balance, clear headed, and that makes me happy.
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6. Quiet moments when I just want to play piano for the joy of playing. No judgements, no worries about mistakes, just playing for me.
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7. When Jon has a romantic moment. Is there any explaination needed for this one? ;-)
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8. A new one for me, dancing on stage. When I've worked hard on my steps and go out there and let the adrenaline rush go I reach a natural high. When I'm finished I am overjoyed with doing well and putting in the work.
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9. Traveling. I don't do it a lot due to monetary constraints, but, traveling has always been something to be excited about for me. I guess it would be different if I HAD to do it for work, but, luckily for me traveling has yet to get old. I can't wait to travel more someday!
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10. Making friends out here in the blogsphere. Though I don't branch out extensively, nor really 'promote' my blog (what's there to promote? lol), I am honored and happy that you all have come here and read a little bit about me and I you. I love the comments left here and as dorky as it sounds I get quite excited when I get comments from anyone whether it's a passerby, a dedicated reader, or someone new. You all make this blog stuff fun- thank you for the joy you bring to me! And for putting up with my rambling. You all are the best!
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Alrighty I pass the Happiness 101 Award to... Lovely over at Lovely in Lux!

Something Interesting...

Before I left for Tejas, I recieved an email that caught me off gaurd. Here's what it said:

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"Hello,

I work for the company that is producing Mutual of Omaha’s “proud sponsor of life’s aha moments” campaign– visit www.ahamoment.com to see what an aha moment is and the great real stories we filmed during the campaign in 2009. Associated to that, we have a 34-foot Airstream mobile film studio that is traveling the US on a 25-city tour to capture the country’s aha moments. We are headed to Tulsa on Monday, May 17th & Tuesday, May 18th, and would love to invite you to share a defining moment in your life – large or small. I came across your blog and think you would have a great story to share! You would just have to step into the Airstream studio for a few minutes and tell your story on film, which would be posted to www.ahamoment.com. We would love to have you if you are interested! We will be parked at Hotel Ambassador (1324 S. Main St.) on Monday, May 17th (11am to 7pm) and Tuesday, May 18th (11am to 7pm).Let me know as soon as possible and I can reserve some time for you, thanks!"

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I haven't email them back and I'm pretty sure I won't. I don't know exactly why, but, I don't think my 'aha' moment is something I'm ready to share with people I don't know. Maybe, one day I will share it and perhaps I'll find a way to get it out there. I don't want my aha moment to be amongst others then to be promoted in a way that benefits a company. I have nothing against them, mind you, I just don't think it's the right way to get what I've experienced out there.

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I do want to share with you though one of the biggest 'aha' moments in my life. Guess you could say the email did at least inspire me to do some deep thinking. I used to have a morbid, irrational, fear of failure. So bad that sometimes I wouldn't try my best at something just because I was afraid I would screw it up. When I was in college still trying to get my eating disorder and other related issues under control I left my family and dysfunctional, unhealthy life in order to gain control of my life, get it together, and start living. Unfortunatly, all those tumultuous events coupled my fear of failure led me down a path of academic irresponsibility. Without going into a lengthy drawn out story, I was very close to failing out of college.

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Then something occured to me at the end of the academic year in 2006. A couple of situations came up and the proverbial lightbulb came on. I didn't have to be defined by my F's in school. I didn't have to live running away from trying my best. Working hard, putting in the effort (even if it wasn't my best in the moment), and doing everything I could to be successful would ultimately lead me to a better life and being a better person. Even if I fell flat on my face in the effort, I could get back up, and try again learning from what happened.

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I got it. And so, I retook classes to get my gpa back up, and have sinced worked to do my best at all I try. I have always wanted to do my best, but, the with the fear of failure looming over me I was never able to access how to get to my best. When I falter, I learn, dust myself off, and try again. I am still a classic perfectionist and that will never go away. However, I don't have to run any more, I can face life and each challenge knowing that no matter what happens I will come out a better person for that experience.

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Just my humble two cents in a little life lesson.

Photo Obsession

I have an obsession with taking pictures of sleeping animals. I would probably take pics of sleeping humans, but, I don't think my roomie and boyfriend would appreciate me slipping into their rooms at night- can we say creeeeepy?

Animals it is then and as I'm surrounded by at least three-four on a daily basis I am fortunate enough to have ample opportunities for a photo shoot. I have honed my 'ninja skills' and am now able to successfuly sneak up on a sleepy and unsuspecting critter without waking them and take more pictures than my hardrive cares for

. I was babysitting this week for Therapectic's Exec. Director's kiddos- her family recently took on a new puppy to raise as a service dog and I could bring Leo with me. With this knowledge I had my camera in hand I went on a veritable photographic spree of the puppies. No worries, I did watch and feed the children when I wasn't taking pictures. I have so many great pictures, but, for now soak up some sleepy cuteness!

Here's the new little guy, Saint. Is this not the definition of adorable?!? I ask you to resist this face. Yeah knew you couldn't! It is simply impossible. ;-)

One thing I cannot get over with Leo is his ability to strike amazing poses and travel when he sleep. Because of this 'talent' I was forced to give in and buy a huge kennel well before he's fully grown so he could be comfortable at night and I could actually sleep through one. I mean look at that- that's just one of like fifty positions he'll sleep in. Not kidding about that number folks, he's a mover and a shaker.

They just look so innocent when they're asleep don't they? Though I swear every time Leo takes a nap he grows more. This pic was taken two days after the previous one and you can tell, eventhough he's curled up, he has grown like a weed on radioactive steriods. I think Leo should be studied- his growth is astounding.

I swear this picture was NOT posed in any way! I was just lucky enough to have the camera in arms reach. Leo again sacked out, on his back, with all that loose skin of his smushed to sharpei-like levels. Once again I had to take a picture, I mean come on! A perfectly still puppy is a hard thing to find.... hmmmm maybe that's why I like taking pics of them asleep so much.

There are those of us who do not appreciate the whole cute sleeping puppy thing. And to be honest I can't blame Louie for the look he's giving me. I mean after all, he's just been used as a body pillow by a 40 some-odd pound puppy and I being the opportunist I am didn't stop him, I just got the camera and started taking pictures lacking any regard to Louie's personal comforts. That's just the kind of pet owner I am.

Come to think of it though, I think I may need some professional help.

Little Secret

I have something to share- I dread my birthday. Yes, it's true. The dread I feel has nothing to do with age, nope- I mean age is a number and when it comes down to it I will be young at heart as long as I still breathe on this planet.

I dread my birthday because I never know what'll happen on the day in question. As I am estranged from my parents I don't get any talks about what we're going to do on that day, or how we'll have a family gathering to celebrate on or around my birthday- nada. It feels as if no one has any reason to want to celebrate my entry into this world. So, I get myself all in a 'mood' about my bday trying to set myself up for disappointment.

And every birthday since the estrangement has been great. So really, I should get OVER IT!

Case in point, yesterday I recieved dozens of FB messages wishing me happy birthday. As little as it sounds, I was touched. No one really has to take the seconds/minutes out of their life to do that and that's why I appreciate it so much. My massage therapist gave me a free massage to start off my bday, Jon's sister took me out to lunch, my roomie made muffins and cupcakes, and to top it all off Jon arranged for a surprise bday party at a sushi restaurant in town! My 28th year started off fabulous and I cannot express how much I appreciate my friends who in little and big ways made me feel I am someone special.

And now you see... I really should get over my pre-bday funk.

Confessions and Curveballs

My brother visited me this past Saturday at the end of his two week vacation. He drove into Tulsa from Salina, Oklahoma where my parents live and where he has been staying. My brother and I are in many ways complete opposites, but, I cherish his visits. Funny thing age, Daniel and I used to fight left and right as kids and now we call and talk to one another, visit, and banter as if we've gotten along our enitre lives.

When Daniel came over he brought something he found in my parents garage that he helped to clean up. It was a ceramic cat. Given to me by my great-grandmother and it sat in my room for ages. One of my cousins as a young toddler would always ask to go upstairs to my room and, 'pet the kitty'- he thought it was real! When I saw the face of this cat I felt a barrage of emotions I had not expected to feel during my brothers visit.

Five years ago, plus a smidge, I left my parents home for good. No, I didn't move out, I left them and my life there completly. I haven't spoken to my parents since that day. Without going into the long, melo-dramatic, story behind my leaving allow me to say that I did this for the betterment of my life and my person. The situation living at home, my past issues with mental illness, trying to go to college on my terms, as well as, trying to grow up and become a better person- the mix of all of these did not work at all. I was pushed until I knew if I did not do something drastic I would deteriorate. I was left with the choice of stay and go back down the dark and hopeless path of depression and anorexia/bulemia, or, leave and learn how to stand on my own two feet, live, and learn to thrive. Since the day I left I have worked on becoming a better, healthier, and productive person and I have accomplished much of that (still a work in progress though!).

When I left I left most of my belongings behind. With the aid of some friends I was able to gather a few things that fit in trashbags and a couple of laundry baskets. The cat my brother found and brought back to me was an object that I knew I wouldn't see again. I accepted that, made peace with it, and then after five years here it is sitting in my new life that I've built.

While processing all of this my brother handed me a statment- an invoice of payment towards a student loan that my parents took out when I first went back to TU (I declared independence status after I left and all my loans went into my name after). Daniel was given it as he informed my parents that I was working on loan consolidation. After recieving this piece of info another curveball came out of nowhere. Daniel explained that my parents had paid off another loan by selling my beloved piano that my grandfather had given to me.

This piece of news overwhelmed me and a feeling of disorientation began to take over. I didn't understand- why would they do that I asked. And why did I feel as if I had lost pieces from my past all over again? It was just an object, one that I knew I wouldn't see nor possess from that day forward. Yet, I couldn't believe it. Perhaps it was my parents reasoning that perpetuated the flood of thoughts and emotions. They sold it soon after I left in a fit of fear believing that I would leave school and leave them with those private loans in default. So, rather than make some calls to the lenders to double check my student status, they believed the worse would come and reacted to their fears.

I guess what I'm saddened by the most is that if my parents believed that I would leave them high and dry, quit school, and make them pay the consequences then perhaps they never really understood me. I'm not saying I was a complete angel before I left- my stress and anxiety levels were through the roof and I said many things I am not proud of. However, I don't quit, I made my reasons for leaving clear, and I stuck through and with every decision I made and now, despite the sad circumstances that started this journey, I am happy.

I confessed to Daniel that if I hadn't left I wouldn't be standing in front of him today the way I am (if at all). He nodded, not wanting to hear more, but, seemingly with an understanding of what I meant. I never wanted to say that to him, but, he needed to hear it and I needed to say it outloud. Now the cat he brought to me sits proudly atop my bookshelves- a strange monument to my past and the reminder that the past is always present within. It does not haunt me, it pushes me forward, and it has taught me many wonderous lessons.

We are who we are because of where we came from. And no matter how painful the path has been the scars make us better only if we want them to.

Opening Up

Opening up a bit, just like this little flower.

Well, not sure what to blog, but, as I was tagged awhile ago on Facebook (several times actually) why not have a post about 25 random things about me. Except I will make it more of a getting to know me kind of meme. Okay, you have been warned, so, if you don't want to know anything about me at all then get away from this page now.

Here we go: 25 Things About Me

1. My name is Megan. I use Habebi as my blog 'identity' because I like the word. It's Arabic for 'sweetheart' and I was taught that word by an elderly Lebanese woman living in small town Oklahoma.

2.I have lived in the following: Yukon, OK (home of Garth Brooks for those who didn't know); Williamsburg, Virginia; the Detroit suburbs in Michigan, on a farm in middle of nowhere Iowa, small city outside of Tulsa, OK; Koichi, Kobe, and Takarazuka Japan; and Tulsa, OK. (in roughly that order)

3. I really began college at almost 22 years of age. I quickly became the 'old fart' and embraced that label all through college. (I am also VERY glad to have been older during college- I would've been a 'hot mess' had I gone the 'normal route).

4. My major was originally piano performance, but, due to injuries, I scaled it down to just a music degree. Later I added an intensive minor (21 hours) in international studies, and another major in political science. I also was in marching band and ensembles all through college. I loved every minute of it.

5. I am a NERD. I love to learn things that are multi-faceted and being challenged. I'm not goal oriented persay, I prefer to learn and go through the process of doing something. To me the process is the most rewarding. I actually miss being in college despite the stress of papers and studying for tests.

6. I speak English, French, and Japanese and know some words and phrases in Spanish. I love languages and hope to learn German and maybe Italian (at least enough to get by).

7. I LOVE traveling. I've been to four countries outside of the US. France, Japan, Canada, and Spain. I think that's rather pitiful and I hope to change that in the future.

8. I've played the piano for nearly 23 years, flute for about 16 years. I can also play the piccolo (not a stretch for flute players) and actually played the cello for nearly 2 years. Again- NERD.

9. I'm an animal lover. If I ever left the country for a period of time I would probably make sure to save up money to take my pet(s) abroad. Life is just so much better with animals!

10. I have an irrational fear of being buried alive. I blame watching a soap opera one summer vacation years ago.

11. I love to read, but, don't do it near enough.

12. As far as a career, I have no clue. Ultimately I would love to end up in a job where there is an exchange of knowledge and that fosters understanding. This said job also needs to be interesting and I would need to be learning from it all the time.

13. Because of that I will probably end up teaching in some fashion.

14. Did I mention I teach piano currently at a music studio in Tulsa?

15. I have not been out of the country since I moved back from Japan where I was a high school exchange student. That really, REALLY bugs me and I plan on changing that asap.

16. I would love to go to grad school. If I did go and graduate, I would be the first woman in my family to get a graduate degree. That thought actually motivates me.

17. I've been dating my current boyfriend for nearly four years! If you asked me 10 years ago if I would date someone past a couple of years and not get married to them by that point I would've laughed.

18. Actually my initial thoughts on life as a teen was to go to school, get married, and have kids young (so I wouldn't be 'old' when they were older). I am VERY thankful life threw my onto a different course.

19. I have wanted to be the following: a doctor, vet, architect, professional musician, diplomat, and all around cool person. At this point, I'm aiming to be a cool person and hoping the rest will figure itself out.

20. I can be a horrible procrastinator and it was really bad during school. I'm hoping a year or so break from school will help me deal with that better. We shall see...

21. I have dealt with PTSD, anorexia/bulemia, depression, and anxiety disorder. Despite the crappiness of having that around for a bit (in my late teens early 20s) I think am a better person for having gone through it. For that, I'm grateful.

22. If I'm not happy, engaged, in an activity/job/whatever I will not do well. It's a horrible quality sometimes, but, I'm trying to make it work to my advantage.

23. I'm an optimist with a heady dose of realistic.

24. Being the extrovert that I am I love to laugh and I'm one heck of a goofball. This helped me deal with moving and found me some fabulous friends along the way. I love people and this is a great tool for that.

25. I'm an organized mess on the inside. Meaning I'm a mess, but, things are in nice piles, have labels, and get cleaned through every now and then.

Now aren't you glad you got through all of that? ;-)