Getting Back

The attempted break-in at our house last week was unnerving at its best and horrifying at its worse. My roommate and I were reeling from what occured and we each dealt with it in our own way- which come to find out we are complete opposites when it comes to coping. My roomie is the activist type. She called her friend who was a cop, reported the events to the police, talked to them, put a baby gate on the back door, and so on. She needed to regain a sense of control over her environment. Me on the other hand, I withdrew. Going through each day slightly disconnected from everyone and everything, and just trying to keep myself numb.

After a few days I had a small revelation- actually I had a rather profound epiphany! It didn't hit me like a Mack truk, just oozed out of my brain, coating me in understanding. Let me backtrack a bit- when we realized what happened, with the house, I lost my sense of security- or something along those lines- and thus withdrew inward. Then it occured to me, I have done this repeatedly throughout my life. When I was a child and throughout my teenage years whenever there was tension, fights, I retreated literally and emotionally. I didn't want to connect, I couldn't because I didn't feel safe. When s*it hit the fan in Japan I withdrew even further and we all know where that led me. Leaving my family for good resulted in the same behavior, but, fortunatly I had enough friends and school to keep me from becoming an emotional hermit and self-destructive. More recently, when Jon and I had a rough patch a few weeks back, I felt that I was teetering on the edge, insecure, and became practically a zombie; disconnected and [again] withdrawn.

Really, in comparison to all of that a near break-in is rather minor. After I connected the dots I began to think about how I need to react to the situation. I don't want to allow some random criminal act to rob me of what is good about my life and I will not allow myself to dismiss what I am happy about. I have an amazing boyfriend, a nice roommate, a comfortable and cute house to live in, pets who make me smile every single day, a great job that I'm happy to do, and the realization of endless possibilities for the future. I am not stuck, my life is rather satisfying, and you know a random crime is not going to devalue those in anyway.

Don't get me wrong, I still am checking the locks at night, taking extra precautions, and even Louie refuses to leave the front room at night. We're all more aware, but, that's normal and natural. It's when I allow an unnerving event get to the point where I stay inside my head and begin the whole 'going nuts' thing again. Yes, I use that phrase because after all I was in a mental instituation for awhile- I like to say I was genuinely certifiable ;-). All joking aside, I am grateful that I'm learning to let go, yet getting back more control, and realizing more about myself- even if the source of all of this is not so pleasant.

It's called life- and I can choose to grow from the good and the bad.