Tuesday, July 27, 2010

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye

As if the whole loosing my job drama hadn't been crummy enough, yesterday put a nice 'relish' of extra crapiness on the ordeal. I found out that my position is indeed getting dissolved, however, one person is being allowed to stay on and be paid salary. This person, who I really do like btw, will be taking over some if not all my duties in the newly created position for her. Though she does have a bit more professional experience than me, she hasn't been working for the studio as long as I. Mind you I know my years of experience aren't the only deciding factor, but, dagnabbit do I feel a bit dismissed!
This fact and the fact this is my last week in my position has resulted in me being unmotivated, in a funk, and resentful. (Just in case you don't know, I don't hate, I resent). I don't even want to go into work at all and any emails I get sent about a studio issue is met with, at best, apathy. At some point yesterday while I was mulling over my thoughts and feelings (yay for overaly analytical nature! ) it occured to me that not only do I have to say goodbye to this position that was supposed to advance my career with the studio, as well as give me security, but, I also have to say goodbye to the idea that I would be working and advancing at the studio. The idea that I could have it all a fun, always changing/challenging job that would give me a flexible enough schedule to teach private piano which is something I truely do love. The goal of security and advancement doing something and working for people I believe in and something I have passion for.
Saying goodbye to those ideas, to those goals, is extremely hard for me. I passionately (I'm a Scorpio, it's in my nature) believed in the studio and worked for over five years to prove myself and help the business grow. Part of my identity is tied to the studio and all I've done for it. I have to let a lot, if not all, of that go and find something new. I hate looking for jobs, but, I know it's what I must do if I'm going to accomplish anything at this rate. The studio position, in the end, may just hold me back and that really bothers me!
So goodbye to all those old ideas and identities I had and hello to something new, unfamiliar, and even a little scary. This is going to be rough, but, I'll be damned if I'm not going to make it work out for the best in the end.
ps- I promise I'll get over this and will go back to posting about much, much more fun stuff than loosing a job! Promise!!


Dedene said...

Unfortunately, you've just said one of your first painful goodbyes in a long line of painful goodbyes. But hey, let's stay positive!
You'll be fine, I'm sure. Things can only get better.

Habebi said...

Dedene- You're so right! That reality has been sinking in, and I'm finding it surprisingly difficult. But, you're also correct that it will work out for the best because I'm going to make it work out for the best! Rock bottom only makes the top worth climbing towards.

Sarah said...

((((HUGS)))) It's all in the Cheeto! You sound like you're making great mental progress!

Habebi said...

Sarah- Balance 'da Cheeto! I'm trying to make progress, think I'm flipping back and forth through depression and anger in the grieving process. Still, working on my resume as we speak and already sent in the letter informing the partners of my decision. Trying to make progress on all fronts!

Caitie said...

Loosing a job is like going through those 'x' stages of grief, so who can blame you for running the gauntlet of emotions? Plus it's your blog, so write about them all you want; it's theraputic.

I'm one of those annoying positive people, and so I believe not only will things work out, but this experience has probably given you the key to open a door to some amazing adventure (personal or professional). It will get better!

The Pliers said...

I am really sorry that your job has been taken away from you and that someone else other than you has been chosen to incorporate what you have historically been doing at work. Let's not even talk about the loss of income. If it sucks for you, it sucks for you.

However, given that both of those events are in the process of happening, the very best encouragement I can offer you is that of going on Google to Amazon.com and purchasing for the paltry sum of $11+/- in trade paperback:

"Transitions: Making Sense Of Life's Changes, 25th Anniversary Edition" by William Bridges

It would be impossible to overstate the benefits of a close reading of this book. It could save you a lot of negative thinking and promote a paradigm shift in terms of how you view the loss of your job.

Sometimes people no longer want to be doing what they have been doing for a substantial amount of time, even though it would be illogical to just up and chuck the whole thing in favor of a new start or the following of a dormant desire... Sometimes other people appear to have gotten the biggest piece of the pie, but it just might give them a tummyache in the long run. One never knows until a bit farther on up the road.

Read Bridges' book. Trust the body. Trust the unfolding of your own life, as disconcerting as it might be.

I am reading Bridges now for the 3rd run through––building up to moving to France, moving to France, having moved to France, it's all fraught with challenges... Bridges is a good man to have your back in such times.


Sara Louise said...

Yes, you have to say goodbye and that sucks so much, but soon, you will get to say hello to something new and wonderful (it WILL be wonderful!) xo

Habebi said...

Caitie- It is a grieving process to be sure. I just keep getting caught off gaurd with more information about the situation putting me in a funk! I'm ready for acceptance I really am. Oh and no worries about being positive, I'm that way too and it's nice to have someone say it'll get better it really is. Thanks girl!

Habebi said...

Pliers- With the extra time coming up why the heck not use some of that time to get myself out of that reading dryspell? I will either check out or buy these books as a bit of self-empowerment is muey needed right now. This grieving process has thrown me for a few loops and I want to be as prepared as I can do deal with this transition well. Merci!

Habebi said...

Sara Louise- That is the goal I'm going to work towards! Here's towards something even better and to future dreams!