Parting Thoughts

It's my last day here at the studio being the uber gopher (my nickname for my exec. assistant job). This morning when I woke up, I was tired, cranky, and quite reluctant to do much of anything when I got to work. But, you know what I decided I would go leave this position on good terms. I sent off many emails with vital information, organized what I could, and cleaned the place up. Though I'll be damned if I'm going to stick the trash in my non a/c car and take it somewhere to be disposed of as we don't have a trash bin in back!

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So, this is it. In less than 10 minutes, I'm officially done and go back to being a piano teacher. This position has been a ride, great at times I learned a lot. However, in retrospect it was quite frustrating overall. I could point fingers, but, in the end what happened happened and things worked out the way did not because of one thing, but, because of many things. Most of those things, were completely out of my control. This last week has been really bittersweet for me. However, that doesn't mean I have to become bitter. I will make peace with this loss in time and in the meantime work my butt off to get to where I want to go. Life will improve because, by gosh by golly I'm going to make sure that it does. Darn tootin'. ;-)

Sometimes You Just Gotta Smile

Leo can smile even in his sleep. My gosh I love it when he has funny sleep faces!

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After yesterday's rather down in the dumps post I told Jon to help me draft a letter to the partners at the studio informing them I would be looking for work and may not be able to stay as a teacher in the capacity that I have been. I just needed to get that out there so I wouldn't have to deal with the worry of telling them any longer. At first I thought I would deliver that letter at the end of my tenure (ie this Friday), but, then I went to work and was greeted by one of the partners and her kids. I was happy to see her of course as she has just moved back to the Tulsa area. However, it took everything in me not to break down and cry. I wanted her to come back so I could have her help me create systems for the business and help get things more organized. And here she was sitting there talking with my boss about business, her kids running around, and smiling at me as if nothing happened.

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I decided then I just needed to get it out there and inform the partners of my intentions sooner as opposed to a couple of days later, as it would be one less burden to carry around. So I did, my letter was sent off around 4:30pm yesterday- and I have yet to hear anything from anyone. That's alright though, I did it to help myself they can or won't respond, that's not up to me. A feeling of relief has begun to set in and today after reading some more kind comments and looking around the house I feel a sense of clarity that I haven't felt in months. I am looking around at how messy my things are, okay it's not THAT bad, but, my stuff is here there and everywhere. I am looking at these piles and instead of feeling overwhelmed and apathetic, like I have been, I actually want to pick stuff up and get my s*** together. Say it ain't so!!

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Is this a sign that things are beginning to turn a corner for me? Perhaps. Whatever it is I will take as an opportunity to start straightening things out for myself and smile at the realization that this moment in my life is not all sad, but, it is also a gift. A gift of being able to turn a leaf and get to something better. Getting to that better thing, whatever it is, may take awhile though and it probably won't be so easy at times. However, I have so many good things and people in my life that will be with me along the way... reminding me again to smile.

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye

As if the whole loosing my job drama hadn't been crummy enough, yesterday put a nice 'relish' of extra crapiness on the ordeal. I found out that my position is indeed getting dissolved, however, one person is being allowed to stay on and be paid salary. This person, who I really do like btw, will be taking over some if not all my duties in the newly created position for her. Though she does have a bit more professional experience than me, she hasn't been working for the studio as long as I. Mind you I know my years of experience aren't the only deciding factor, but, dagnabbit do I feel a bit dismissed!

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This fact and the fact this is my last week in my position has resulted in me being unmotivated, in a funk, and resentful. (Just in case you don't know, I don't hate, I resent). I don't even want to go into work at all and any emails I get sent about a studio issue is met with, at best, apathy. At some point yesterday while I was mulling over my thoughts and feelings (yay for overaly analytical nature! ) it occured to me that not only do I have to say goodbye to this position that was supposed to advance my career with the studio, as well as give me security, but, I also have to say goodbye to the idea that I would be working and advancing at the studio. The idea that I could have it all a fun, always changing/challenging job that would give me a flexible enough schedule to teach private piano which is something I truely do love. The goal of security and advancement doing something and working for people I believe in and something I have passion for.

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Saying goodbye to those ideas, to those goals, is extremely hard for me. I passionately (I'm a Scorpio, it's in my nature) believed in the studio and worked for over five years to prove myself and help the business grow. Part of my identity is tied to the studio and all I've done for it. I have to let a lot, if not all, of that go and find something new. I hate looking for jobs, but, I know it's what I must do if I'm going to accomplish anything at this rate. The studio position, in the end, may just hold me back and that really bothers me!

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So goodbye to all those old ideas and identities I had and hello to something new, unfamiliar, and even a little scary. This is going to be rough, but, I'll be damned if I'm not going to make it work out for the best in the end.

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ps- I promise I'll get over this and will go back to posting about much, much more fun stuff than loosing a job! Promise!!

Feeling Some Serious Love... and Pain

Lake Oklmulgee via some website about US scenic sites. The scene of some MAJOR fun yesterday.

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Friday was the pits, I mean The.Pits. First, the electric bill was WAY higher than needed despite me never being at the new place my roomie and I moved into (I've been at Jon's since Leo's accident as there's more room to manuever and take care of a lame lab). My roomie apologized profusely blaming her lack of knowledge on how to use the thermostat which was fixed when her father came over thank GOD! So, thanks to that snafu, the bills were at least a hundred bucks more than anticipated, if not more. While that isn't a huge amount it certainly is enough to make me panic as I'm going to be poorer next month. Of course, to make things more interesting I need to get my laptop repaired before the plug in jack goes kaput- which will probably set me back nearly 130 dollars and put my laptop out of commission for a week. Add in the fact that my roomie got a raise (much deserved btw) I landed into a deep, deep funk. Jon had 10 year reunion stuff to do this weekend so I wasn't going to have much time with him and that kinda made it worse. Because, again, I was one major funk

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When my friend called me up asking me if I wanted to go the lake Friday and jet ski with her hubby and some mutual friends the next day you can imagine how excited I was. Saturday morning I was scheduled to be a volunteer at a dog agility competition at the school where I learned to train Louie. It was actually quite fun and a workout as I was given the position of running back and forth to reset equipment after every competitor. So I did that, and it was good, as the tasks took my mind off of things. After I was through with that I came home to get ready to go to the lake! My friends picked me up, we picked up neccessary supplies (water, beer, you know the essentials for going to a body of water), and were off to Lake Okmulgee (about an hour south of Tulsa) with two jet skis in tow and an intertub that would hold two. Just right to go tubing using a jet ski.

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You can only imagine the amount of wipeouts that occured yesterday! Oh.My.Gosh! I am in pain today, but, it was beyond worth it. My friends and I had such a blast and I was reminded why I love the lake, or any other body of water for that matter (I used to live in the lake during the summer we lived next to when my family and I lived in Michigan). Not even the loss of my new pair of Target sunglasses, lost due to me being thrown into the lake off of a jet ski head first after a wicked turn, dampaned the amount of good feelings I was having. After tons of fun in the sun, far too many wipeouts and laughs, we headed back, ate pizza, buffalo wings, and ice cream to compensate for the calories burned while on the lake, and drank a bit more. I was one happy, tired zombie when I finally got my carcass to bed around 2am.

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Today when I rolled out of bed, got coffee, and turned on the laptop (yes, pretty much in that order) I went to my Blogger Dashboard page to see what I missed. Comments from friends who were sending out some love and good vibes were waiting for my approval. Between hearing the words, 'We're there for you" and "We'll support you through this" yesterday from my friends, and all the comments I've recieved during this time on this little 'ol blog, I am feeling some majorly good luv and vibes right now (despite the fatigue and aches everywhere in my body today lol). You all are seriously the best!! I know it's gushy and cheesy to say this, but, you guys mean a lot to me. I know most of us have not met in person, so it just blows me away the support all of you are giving me. Saying thank you is not enough, but, it's all I can do for now! So THANK YOU!! Sending out good cosmic vibes, as Sara Louise would say, and thanks to wherever you may be.

Part of the Process

Ever wonder what an interal fixator looks like?

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Leo did it again. While I was working at a day camp this week [via my studio] Leo magically managed to loosen up the e-collar, dubbed 'cone of sham' thanks to 'Up'. The cone of shame hasn't been destroyed thank goodness, but, he did manage to chew off the bandages on the hardware for the fourth time. As I said on Facebook, this is getting old.

I promise Leo wasn't that stressed during this. In fact, he was just looking around and keeping still otherwise. Do like the 'fear of God' look though!
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Thankfully Dr. Mary was at Therapetics today and willing to get Leo fixed up. Jon and I got Leo there and Dr. Mary got to work. I'm not going to lie, this recovery process has been loooonnnngggggg and I'm ready, as is Leo, to have him running, playing, and training normally. Earlier this week Leo went to his first training class in six weeks and good gravy that was stressful. Leo was distracted, overstimulated, tired, and unable to do most of the tasks I asked him. At one point I was seriously thinking I wouldn't be able to get Leo trained at all. A bit dramatic, yes, but ever since the job loss issue I've felt a bit overwhelmed and questioning whether or not I can do anything right.

It's good to know how to smile during all of this.

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But you know what happened? When Jon dropped Leo and I off at the house after we were done at Therapetics, I took him for a walk. It wasn't a major struggle this time, he didn't try to take off, and he got the message that he needed to stay near my side. Was it perfect? No. But, it was better, a LOT better than our last walk. Progress, for the first time I felt that there was progress with Leo. I know he's gotten better, but, it's hard to see and feel that assurance. There has just been that worry, fear he'll injure himself, fear he'll never get back where he was in training, and the guilt that it would be my fault if anything went wrong.

What a face! A little petting and Leo just closed his eyes and soaked it up. Can you blame him?

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Fear, frustration, worry are all a normal part of this process. Not just Leo's recovery and training, but, with me as I search for a new job and work towards my dreams. It is difficult during the trials to keep the goals in mind. It's hard to stay optimistic, but, you know, as long as I work through the tough times I'll get to that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.

Hot Tamale

I usually don't like complaining about the weather. The weather is completely out of my personal control and I figure the more I get upset about it the worse it'll make things. Well, screw that for today! Yesterday I got heat exhaustion from, get this, just driving around in my non airconditioned car on and off from 8am-3pm. Are you kidding me? Of course, did my years of being in marching band how-to-keep-from-getting-heat-sick know how kick in? Nope! I went to dance practice in the evening around 6pm. Did something occur to me then when my body hurt from minimal dancing, I couldn't think, nor stop sweating even on break?? Oh no, no! I came home, ate dinner, and thought my heat rashed legs needed an oatmeal bath. Two minutes into said bath did I feel as if I was going to pass out. Light bulb on!

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Okay my dumb moment aside the weather has been miserably hot lately. The heat index around here has been hanging out in the 110-115 degree range for a few days now. Mmmm...swealtering. I am really lucky to have airconditioning in the home though and hey at least I have a car right? However, if someone, something that does have personal control of the weather would turn that temp control knob down that would be uber, uber appreciated.

Leo's Latest and Gaining Perspective

Okay how can you not laugh at this picture? Eventhough, I'm kinda blue about my job situation this picture of Leo napping makes me smile. Despite the crummy week, and summer for that matter, I recieved good news in regards to Leo. We have reached the halfway point in his recovery. He is now allowed to be off leash in the house and move about freely (but to be monitored so he doesn't jump nor run). We also can take him for short walks to build up his strength and he can go back to limited training. To say I'm relieved and excited is an understatement. Leo has loved his new sense of freedom, though we often have to put him back in his kennel to settle because he wants to play! In a couple of weeks he will get x-rays done of his broken leg and depending on what those images show he may get his pins out then, or we may wait a couple of weeks. Either way, we've reached the last part of this recovery process! Can I hear a hallelujah?

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Of course, I'm still processing the whole job situation. Tough decisions are being mulled over and it's hard not to be upset at myself for what happened. I tend to be hyper responsible, so in this case, I have the thought that maybe if I had just tried harder to keep the business running this wouldn't have happened. However, I don't know how to run a business do I? My boss and the other partners did not, or were not, able to provide the leadership and guidance I needed to do my job even better than I did. All I can do is learn from this and move on.

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It's so hard, especially since I have to consider other options, work wise, as I have a life to live and dreams/goals I want to accomplish. Those cannot be 'funded' without a certain degree of financial stability. While money is not the most important thing to me, I can't discount it. If I didn't have monetary stability how could I take care of my car if it broke down, for example? What if I were to get very ill or injured? While I adore teaching piano, just teaching won't cut it if worse case scenarios were to play out will it?

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I am still in the middle of mulling things over, but, every day is helping me gain perspective. The fears are still there, the hurt is still there, but, with time those are getting less and I realize I have to take care of myself. I cannot continue waiting and waiting for things to come together at the studio. I have been with them for five years. This position was, as I was told, supposed to lead to more salary (with more responsibilities and students) and insurance- all within a year. In the end it didn't work out that way and a great deal of that was well out of my control. Now it's time to explore what my options are and keep an eye out for opportunities that are even better than what I have. Thank you all for the kind supportive words, those have helped so much! Bear with me as I close up this part of my life and work to start a new and hopefully better chapter.

Well Crap...

I lost one of my jobs today. Specifically my executive assistant position, ie. the one that gave me a small, but, predictable salery. The studio has been going through some rough patches and I'm the collateral damage. Next month I will only be a piano teacher and I will take a pay hit making over a third less than I have been. I won't go into all the details right now as I'm still processing it all. But, suffice it to say I'm scared, hurt, angry, and distraught. I don't want to go back to the more unpredictable wages of a contract employee despite promises from my boss they would do what they can to get me students to make up for the pay hit. Suffice it to say, I just don't know what I'm going to do.

Two Days,14 Hours of Rehearsal, One Hour of Performace, One Camera, Tons of Pictures

It's official, if I'm in a room full of mirrors I will make a load of goofy faces while photo punking my friends.

Saturday rehearsal was intense. By 3pm my head was spinning with moves to practice at home. I could barely think, barely dance, as I was so spent!

As with any show that's about to be put on there are lots, and I mean LOTS of last minute changes. Sometimes due to practicality, sometimes due to drama. We had both of those happen this weekend. I won't go into details, but, if you're dying to know you can email me (addy in my blogger profile) and I'll tell ya. The above picture is of the dancers and my instructor, K.t, working on cheorography at rehearsal. The next day this amazing cheography, along with other cheography, was thrown out. I was really, really bummed about this- but, as they say the show must go on.

As I mentioned in previous posts wigs get involved in Irish dance. We didn't wear the wigs the entire performance, but, we did for two dances! In fact we all got our wigs and dresses on in a matter of minutes- two for me! K.t's trying to show us how she's going to make this old, and I mean old, pony tail wig work as a bun wig. Believe it or not she pulled it off (thanks to a little help from Dawn).

But before the fun with the wigs we had to look glamorous with our real hair so K.t, being the multi-talented instuctor that she is, did our hair. We all had teased, 'boofed' hair as Dawn called it. K.t also helped with make-up. I wear make-up but it's never very thick, so naturally getting dolled up for the stage was a little out of my range.

All smiles.

See? Buffed hair all around! And great eye make-up for the stage. This is before I put on the red lipstick. I NEVER put on red lipstick as it just doesn't fit my pasty white state. However, add a spray tan, some eyeliner and look out I can rock red lipstick!

K.t and her hubby who graciously stood on stage to play the part of a British soldier.

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The performance went pretty well considering we had only two rehearsals! One of those rehearsals btw was the dress rehearsal. Oh and when you throw together three music groups, narrators, a story teller, three 'soldiers', and three dance groups you need more rehearsal time! Little things! The story teller came in too early and thus there wasn't enough time for some of our dancers to get their hardshoes on. So only three out of seven dancers were able to get on stage! Ah well, c'est la vie as they say. The audience didn't really notice and at least the second half of the show went on without a hitch.

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I didn't dance too bad during the performance which was very exciting for me, not to mention a HUGE relief! Rehearsal didn't go well with me as I was confused and mixing up all of my steps. Oh did I mention this is the first time I've had to dance through hardshoe steps- one of those hardshoe steps I learned in a day!?! Despite all the drama and confusion performing in a real theater (though a small one) at a performing arts center was amazing. Something I will always remember!

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Okay and now for what you all have been waiting for..........

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Wait for it.......

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ME IN A WIG!!!!

Not as burnette as I thought I would be. Turns out this wig is the wrong color for my friend. It is pretty light for her hair color, so,she was happy to lend it to me. In case you were wondering, she wore one of K.t's old wigs as their hair color is very similiar. So here I am ladies and gents, I threw on an older style solo dress and donned a wig (yes done in two minutes) all in the name of a performance. Not going to lie, I was really hot in all that. Apparently the newer solo dresses are lighter and cooler a fact I hope to experience personally one day...but I digress.

That wig was really fun to bounce [jump] around in! Though to be honest, I think I may get a bun wig for competitions, tends to give a more 'mature' elegant look to most. What do you think?

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That my dear friends, in a choppy nutshell, was my entire weekend. Nearly fourteen hours of dance, rehearsal, and preparations. I am still tired today and still utilizing the ice pack for some sore spots. However it was fun and we were rewarded with a fantastic post-performance party at a friends house. I really feel lucky to be able to have had such an amazing opportunity and to have it with some amazing dancers and friends!

Snapshots From This Weekend

Saturday rehearsal. Six hours, lots of Advil, completle brain drain, and near meltdown (mine). But hey, I did it and my legs were wondefully tanned to boot!!

Before today's performance. I am so lucky to dance with such talented, fun, kind (and gorgeous!!) young ladies!
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Oh and yes, you all have to wait to see me in a wig! Can't show all the goods at once you know! lol ;-)

Pale Goddess No Longer!

My 'tan' line! Got airbrushed today (for the first time I might add!) and am happy to say I am a bit darker! Not that dark, but, as the gal at the tan salon said, I couldn't go too dark even if I want to! I would look rediculous lol. I don't think I've ever been this tan- close to this, but, never this! I'm hoping it's dark enough for the stage! Don't want the ships to dock at the theatre because I'm glowing too much! More pics of performance prep/rehearsal/transformation coming soon my dear friends!

Summer Break

Look who's bearing full weight on his leg! Oh and sportin' a new e-collar after he anihilated his other one.

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This week I've done a lot of nothing, but, somethings have been done here and there. I am actually catching up on a lot of sleep! Ohhhhh how I've needed that. This morning Leo knocked over my coffee mug and it spilled everywhere. I didn't get frazzled at all whereas last week I would've just lost it as I was so tired. I got Leo to the vet this week and his doc, Dr Mary, is optimistic he will be allowed some activity here soon! Keep your fingers crossed for us pretty please. I know you guys have been fantastic with all the love and support you've sent Leo. We do appreciate it lots!

Oh and of course Leo's growing- AGAIN!

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So aside from taking care of Leo and getting sleep I've done laundry, managed to crunch up the passenger side rearview mirror (long story on that one lol), and now am getting some practice and rehearsal in as this Sunday I am performing at the performing arts center [PAC] in downtown Tulsa for Summerstage with a bunch of other dancers from our school and the other local ID school.

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Here's where it gets fun- turns out a last minute costume decision means I will have to: A) Wear someone's solo and/or school dress because that's what everyone else will be wearing and I'm too new to have one B) Get a spray tan because my legs will not be covered in black tights and I don't want to blind anyone and C) Put on a wig- a BURNETTE wig!! LOL Oh I promise there will be pictures of me all tanned and a curley headed burnette! Can't wait to see what that will look like can ya? Neither can I!

Happy Fourth of July!!

Happy Fourth of July everyone!! Hope wherever you are celebrating you are well and safe. And if you're not celebrating have a great one anyways!

Recovery Week Four... Two Steps Forward and a Step Back

Check out the number Leo has done on the e-collar. Oh right, he's pretty cute all squished up and asleep in it too.

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This past week was THE hardest week with Leo. We took him off of one of his medications, a sedative, which is good because I'm not fond of the idea of Leo being hooked on meds. However, within a couple days after he was off the sedatives I was in tears. It's not Leo's fault, he's used to going everywhere and playing. He didn't want to listen to me, he began to bark incessantly when put in his kennel. Allowing him to be out his kennel only resulted in his attempts to escape and run, which is a big no-no when one has eight pins in their leg!

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So we did the kennel thing, we tried to settle him down, but, despite all the prodding and love we could dish out it was as if a switch went off in Leo's head and he couldn't turn it off. I blame the pent up energy, and the start of a growth spurt. I lost my patience more than once and even ran out of the room in tears- twice! All I wanted to do was keep Leo healthy, take care of him, and prevent him from aggravating his injured leg. Yet nothing I could dish out worked.

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He finally managed to chew off some of his bandages on the hardware when I made the mistake of letting him be in an inflatable collar (yay for wasting 30 plus bucks!). Jon and I took him into the vet yesterday around noon. Sleep deprived, tired of listening to him whine and bark, and upset with my boss who misunderstood a FB status message I nearly broke down at the vets when they asked me if I could leave Leo at the vet clinic due to an emergency coming in. I feel so responsible for him, and hated the thought of leaving him there, but, I had to get back to work. So I relented, told them about how he has been, and left.

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That said, it was a very, VERY good decision. When Jon and I came back in the evening to pick Leo up the vet said they had to give him an injection of sedatives. Leo was fine for a little bit, being his normal cute self, and then the switch went off. She prescribed a new sedative for him for me to take home and give Leo. I nearly did carwheels! I know it sounds bad, it really does. The odd thing is when he's awake he acts just like his old self! He's sleeping more now and his pin site wounds look a LOT better. He even walks around without limping. All fantastic signs. Lets just hope that once this last round of sedatives is over with I can take Leo out and let him be a bit more like a puppy. Maybe that'll help channel some of his energy!

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So in short, it was a bumpy ride this week. But I'm sure it's all worth it to get him well. We will get there. And in the meantime, I'm going to catch up on sleep, get a massage on Monday, and enjoy some of my summer break. I didn't know this caretaker thing could take so much out of me!

Ha ha!!

I had to, and by that I mean do it then or be majorly inconvienced, get my driver's license renewed yesterday. Why do visits to the tag agency always make me nervous? I get this irrational fear they're going to tell me I can't get my driver's license renewed, or there's something wrong. Not to mention the dreaded waiting period at the DMV causing me to miss work or something. However, not only did I completly plan my time correctly for a trip to the tag agency, but, I also managed to take a GOOD, yes a good, picture! Check it out!

How did I manage it? I honestly don't know. I did add a bit of extra eyeliner and bronzer in hopes that I wouldn't look washed out. But, really I just think the camera gods were smiling upon me yesterday. Now the trick is to live up to this picture in four years when I must renew again. At least I have some time to think about it! ha!

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ps- ignore the birthdate on there will ya? :-P