Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Test Of Shame (aka the drug test)

Thank you Dilapan for showing so well what I had to stare at today.
Let me preface this story with I should've known it was going to be one of those days when my French [coffee] press sprung a leak from a crack in the glass. This afternoon, Jon graciously offered to drive me and Leo to the clinic where I needed to take my drug test so I can be gainfully employeed. Naturally, because like it said it was one of those days, we went to the address I memorized where there was no clinic. Thanks to Jon's new, shiney Iphone we quickly cleared up that we needed to be on N. Sheridan not S. Sheridan. Way to look at the address Megan! We got there and thankfully they were not busy. After some initial confusion about Leo (look at the vest people!) I filled out my forms and nervously waited. Yes, I was nervous because I like to be nervous about things that I have no reason to be nervous about.
I was called back and was it a nice, matronly, female nurse assisting me? Oh no, no, no! It was a cute, male nurse with tattoos and who had a look on his face that screamed, "Dear God, why do I have this job???' Which of course made it difficult to joke around with him to ebb my nerves. I mean seriously, this guy was a Debbie Downer, or Danny Downer... or whatever. So I was asked to put my purse away where it would be locked (I had to watch this btw). Then he said to wash up to which I stupidly replied, "Just my hands?" Right, okay, in my defense I was nervous and really not using my brain. But lordy did I feel silly when I realized what I had said.
So I get my cup and then shown the bathroom where first Nurse Tattoo Edgy meets Depression About Job Choices dumped a blue liquid in the toliet. I looked at the whole deal rather dumbfounded and I can only imagine the look on my face when he told me not to flush the toliet, pee to this line on the cup, and the more the better. Alrighty then!! I did my business, prayed it was enough (it was), dabbed off, and very deliberatly did NOT flush the toliet. I opened the door and nursey boy was not there. OMG I had to walk down the hall, open cup, to the station?!!? I did it with my head somewhat held up and made it with no accidents, splashes, or major embarassments. Well, aside from the whole having to walk around with my urine on display in a cup.
If that ordeal wasn't 'fun' enough I had to stand there while Mr. Why God am I the Pee Nurse [cute] Man signed a few forms, poured the cup into a tube, and then asked me to initial and date the sticker label that sealed my sample. Yes, I had to initial my own urine in a tube. Woo hoo. Then to add the cherry and sprinkles on top of this load-of-fun-cake I had to stand there and watch him take a small sample and put it into a quick result tester deal. I was watching this all, having NO idea what colors meant what. I swear they do this to make you scared so if you are dirty you'll just confess to it right then and there and save them the hassle of testing.
No surprise everything was negative. However, I did have to look at the form to confirm this because Nurse in a Major Life Funk said nothing to me. Just gave me the form, told me they'd fax the results to the school district, and have a nice day. Well, no, he didn't say have a nice day... hell, I don't even know what he said I just got out of there as quickly as I could without seemingly like I really, REALLY wanted to be out of there. Because I did, but, I needed to save the last shred of dignity I had left.
Unlike this guy. No dignity there. All credit goes to
Let's not even go into what work and after work had in store for me. Like I said it was one of those days. At least the new Chinese food place and the gin were all very good.
It's the little things that help.


annelise said...

Holy crap. True though, there isn't much that Chinese food and a little drinky-drink can't make better.

Habebi said...

Annelise- Amen sista... amen!

Sarah said...

LOVE IT! OK, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Just wait till one day when you're pregnant. Dignity? What dignity? Just leave it at the door. Hope tomorrow is better. And what is this new Chinese place?

The Pliers said...

Well, like we say at my house, "It could have been worse. Much worse." So, congratulations on having gotten all of the details out of the way and on being on your way to, once again, gainful employment. Ta! Da!

Anonymous said...

I can't even believe that any employer would test for drugs. It can't be legal! Doesn't this infringe your civil liberties?
Can't the school folks see that you're not a junkie just by looking at you?

Anway, glad you had so much fun at the clinic. Great material for a post.

Habebi said...

Sarah- LoL It wasn't too bad, just more bewildering and humorous than anything else. Okay a tinge of embarassing, but, not too horrible. I just didn't look at the nurse's face for the most part lol. Yeah, I hear being preggers will do that to ya. Can't wait for the stories I get to tell with that experience!! LOL

Habebi said...

Pliers- Indeed and at least it was a fairly funny experience. I can always use a good, funny story to whip out in conversation. Thank you for the congrats. I'm ready to get through the last bit of this process!

Habebi said...

Dedene- You'd think wouldn't you!? The lady at the admin. building said she had no doubt I'd pass with flying colors, so at least she could see that. However, it seems that there's an environment of holding the district accountable to the umpteenth degree. I think it's rediculous and a waste of money. If someone is doing drugs and it affects their job then they will suffer the consequences accordingly. That said, parents are rightfully protective and demanding that there be adequate screening of all employees. I don't agree with the process, but, I want a job so I went through it. The funny thing is my roomie had to do a drug test too before she was hired and she works for a car rental company!! Go figure right?

Pam said...

Funny story! Certainly no dignity there. Drug tests are required by about all employer's here, Chicago area. Gin always helps for sure. I'm new to your blog and really like your great writing. You know how to tell a story and Leo below looks pretty cute.

Sara Louise said...

I totally would have spilled some pee!

And my French press is broken too! My mother broke it while she was visiting and I haven't replaced it yet. At this very moment I am drinking instant coffee. I am a very unhappy camper.

Habebi said...

Pam- Thank you for your kind comment and welcome to my humble corner of blogland!! So glad you stopped by and commented. :)

I am wondering if employers drug test due to potential liability issues? If an employee is found to be a drug user and does something bad on the job the company can say, "Hey we drug tested!!" Just a thought. I know it's becoming quite the common practice, but, it was my first experience so I was definitely a bit, 'wow' with the whole process.

Habebi said...

Sara Louise- Quelle horreur! Having to drink instant coffee, my gawd you are a strong woman. I can't blame you at all for being rather unhappy with that set up. C'est très mal! I hope you find a new press stat!! One should not live off of instant coffee for the coffee needs- it's just not right!!

Caitie said...

"Just my hands?" HAHAHAHA. Great story :-)

BridgyM said...

At least you got to leave your place of employment. i tested with my interviewer right at Zapposm DURING my interview. Aren't interviews bad enough! It was a spit swab test. Really it just looked like a giant pregnancy test. It was very strange talking with the recruiter abd having a tested hanging out of your mouth because it has to be "completely saturated". Look on the brightside you won't ever have to see life funk nurse again. :)

Habebi said...

Caitie- LOL I am still so embarassed I said that? Good gawd what was I thinking? Thanks for that! I knew as soon as I was done this experience had to be shared!

Habebi said...

BridgyM- OMG I would've been so 'WTF??' if that had happened to me. At least I had time to mentally prepare myself for that, which actually come to think of it might've made me more nervous in the end. Yeah at least funkman nurse and I will never cross paths again! I hope.. ;-)